ILPC - Identify, Label, Pause, Choose

We all had those moments when someone or something triggered or annoyed us.  We observe ourselves from the side and can see the inner spark or total silence that is not aligned with what we want. In those moments, we experience our emotions and or thoughts or actions leading us instead of us leading (not controlling) them. They get in our way to head toward the outcome that we want, and we might even hear an inner conversation that sounds somewhat like: "urge, I ted wish I would show up differently." But the frustrating reality is even though we promise ourselves time after time that we will show up differently – we don't.

Hi, I am Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go. 

 In this article/video, I would like to share a simple framework that can help you lead your emotions or thoughts in a productive way.

 Emotional self-regulation or emotion regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behavior and reactions to feelings, especially strong ones, and calm down after something exciting or upsetting happens.

Same with your thoughts, when you know your thought pattern, you can learn how to lead your thoughts in a new way. I call the framework: ILPC. 

 ILPC stands for Identify, Label, Pause, and Choose. 

 Step 1: Identify

Okay, so you are triggered. The question is, how are you showing up when you're triggered?

When we are triggered, our thought patterns and emotions lead us to unwanted behaviors. This is why it's essential to identify the thought patterns that led to how we show up with our feelings and thoughts. 

 Which of the following is your thought pattern, and when does it show up?

• All-or-Nothing Thinking - Seeing things in black-or-white, zero or one, right or wrong. You will think that it has to be either or. But there are many shades of gray and numbers between zero and one.

• Negative Bias – even though things are going well, you pick one negative detail out and focus on it. 
   If you are a neuroscience geek, please know that the negative Bias is a survival behavior adopted by our ancient brain to keep us safe. Making a mistake could cost our lives; this is why our brain wants us to be aware of the "bad decisions we made" and pay attention to what's NOT working. But in today's reality, most of us do not need to worry about our life all the time. Still, the mechanism stayed.   The cure is to learn how to teach our brain to look at WHAT'S WORKING. We can rewire our brains to see situations from a new perspective and switch how we approach them.

• Overgeneralization - Believing that it "always" happens to you or "never" happens to you – this is when we feel frustrated and defeated. 

• Magnification/minimization - Your special magnifying glass can magnify an issue, making it bigger than it is. Or you're able to minimize the situation and your positive qualities. 

• Mind Reading/Fortune Telling - You jump to a conclusion based on a feeling or thought without any evidence to support it.

• Emotional Reasoning - You believe that whatever you're feeling, it must be so. 
  So how do you show up with your thought patterns, and when? 

Step 2 - Label

So now you know.
The problem is that when we often know that we feel or think in a way that is not aligned with the outcome we want to see, we ignore, avoid or make it small. Why?It goes back to your thought pattern:

• Make it small – well, others have more significant problems. I should not be this way.

• Self-Deprecation – how do I even dare to feel or think this way? I should be positive.

• Ignore/Avoid it – I will work and distract myself.

 The problem with these techniques is research that shows that every time you ignore your emotions and your thoughts, you think about them or feel them 49 times more. 
When we label or name our emotions or thought patterns, we validate what we feel and think. We acknowledge that they exist without needing to fix or delve into them. They are just there to co-exist. They are no good or bad. They are just there.
What can be confusing is that labeling our emotions and thoughts doesn't mean that they will stay there forever. Emotions are not stagnant. They come and go. Even right now, when you read or listen to this idea, you have many thoughts and emotions that show up and disappear. When you trust that this is the idea of thoughts and emotions, that they are energy that goes in and out, that there are not there forever – you can validate them and say: I see you and hear you, I know you are here with me. 

 
Step 3 – Pause & Choose

Now, when we name and validate what we feel and think, we can pause and then choose. Have you ever experienced feeling overwhelmed with emotions or thoughts, and when you shared it with another person, you heard the response: "calm down, let's just take a big breath." 
I can't stand it. Why? Because when people tell me to take a big breath, it feels like I don't have a choice: they are making me do something that makes me feel out of control. I don't feel like taking a big breath; what I want to do at that moment is scream, cry, yell, or lose control of my way. Not their way.

Here is what I do believe taking a big breath is not about calming down. Taking a big deep breath is about a moment of PAUSE This deep breath is because I know my emotions and thoughts are leading me It is an intentional moment for me to pause and choose between two options

- Do I want to stay and let my emotions and thoughts keep leading me?

- Do I want to shift to a new way of being or doing?

Pause doesn't have to be a deep breath; it can be anything that makes YOU PAUSE, to be intentional.  You can stand, take a sip of water, step away from your computer, and make yourself a coffee or tea. My favorite is touching a pulse point on your body (heart, arm) or touching jewelry you wear on one of those pulse points (bracelet, watch, neckless). It can also be a grounding question you write on a sticky note and stick to your computer/laptop screen.

Step 4 – Making an Intentional Choice

Making a choice is a powerful experience. Whether I choose to stay or shift, I respond to a need.
If I choose to stay– that's okay – I am choosing to show up this way. 
The paradox at that moment is that we sometimes want and need to stay. Then the transition is organic and gentle. Most important, we are not on autopilot anymore. It is an intentional choice.
If I choose to shift – I only shift after I check in with myself and ask: 
 What do I need? The answer can be different

• I need to step away

• I need to reach out and ask for support 

• I need to reach out so I can see a new perspective

• Anything else you need

What I love about sharing this system is how empowering it is. Being at a place of choice is empowering to you and others.
It takes time to practice this framework, but finding your way is so liberating.

Remember, first, you identify, then you label or name your emotions or your thoughts, you pause to center yourself, and last, you make an intentional choice. And as a leader, you can use that not only with yourself but also to empower others when you help them develop and grow. Experiment with the ILPC and share with me how it works for you. If you liked this video/article, subscribe and share.

Are you a Be-Er or a Do-Er?

Since we were little kids, we learned that actions are what the adults expect from us; "be a good boy and clean up your room," "be a good girl and do your homework." And when we do take on these actions, we are being seen and rewarded. So what do we do? We focus on actions. 
Yes, for many of us, it is natural to be doers and focus on actions.
 But is it the only way we show up? I believe some of us are DO-ers, and some of us are BE-ers. 

 In today's video and article, I will help you identify your inner tendency. Are you leaning towards doing or being? Are you a Do-er? Or a Be-er? 

Are you the one mainly focusing on actions? You have a to-do list, plan all the time, and run fast. If that's you, you are a doer who focuses more on actions than your emotions or others' emotions. Who has time to talk or explore them? And maybe, at times, it can be easier to focus on work and, this way, avoid getting in touch with big emotions that are uncomfortable. If that's you, you are a Doer; this is your tendency. 

 And maybe this is you; you feel that your emotions lead you; whether it is a room filled with people or a 1:1 meeting, you can sense the energy in the room. At times it can feel too much, or it can feel that you must protect others or your emotions, and that might bring to lashing out. Having all emotions surrounding you requires you to take a break, breathe, recharge and maybe even recover, and at times even take a day off. If that's you, you are a Be-er who is led by your emotions.

 And maybe this is you; your thoughts lead you. You feel like your peers know much more than you. And there is so much more that you can learn. You need to learn more and get more data; you need to hold on to action before you are sure you have enough information. This makes you an expert at what you do, and many people come for your advice. If this is you - you are led by your thoughts; you think before you act. You are Be-er led by thoughts.

 Which one are you?
Are you being led by your actions, by your emotions, or by your thoughts?
 You might respond: "Well, it depends on the situation."  I agree you could show up differently in different situations, and the more aware we are, the more agile we are to show up in different ways.  Still, we all have a tendency, and we lean toward this tendency when we are stressed or overwhelmed. Where do you go when you are stressed or overwhelmed? For example, when I am stressed, I will lean toward the actions first and check in with my emotions and thoughts. What is your tendency?

 Is it bad?

No, doing is not better than being, and being is not better than doing. It is essential to create awareness and learn how to work with it with your leadership, especially when you are stressed, and learn how to work with peers, your leaders, and direct reports when you identify if they are do-ers or be-ers.

 So what can you do or be when you learn your tendency?

If you are a Be-er, you will go first to your emotions or thoughts before moving to actions. The value in that is that in moments when the doers will go too quickly into action, you will slow them down and keep them from getting into trouble, even risk that is too big. Keep challenging the team by asking questions like:

• Have you checked what people feel about this move?

• Have you checked what you think about this move?

• Have we collected enough data to move into action? What's missing?

• How do you know that this is the right move?

 On the other hand, it is also essential to move into action, and people can get frustrated if you slow them or the process to collect more data, learn more, or believe that we can't start because everyone is concerned about the change.

What can you do differently to avoid these blind spots?

 Be-er feelings

• Sometimes, you assume that everyone FEELS the same as you do. Each time I send my leader-be-ers who are led by emotions to go and have a conversation with people, they learn that many do not feel the same.  Could it be that not everyone feels like you? Don't assume. Ask.

• Could it be that you over-protect your team and can give them more work or opportunities? Ask, don't assume.

• Recharge alone – you have a tendency to give. Take time to be alone and manage your energy.

 Take a few moments in the morning, noon, and afternoon to ask yourself – how do I feel? What do I need? And listen to your needs.

BE-er Thoughts

- Yes, you are a Subject Matter Expert, and probably your team too – but at times, the overdoing of learning and diving costs you in being recognized. Until you think it is enough, someone else takes the lead (and risks) of doing it and receives the recognition.

- When is it going to be enough? It feels that no matter how much you learn, you want more data and more info. Stop and ask, "with the information I have, what the first step is I can take."

- If you can't move into action, find a doer, an accountability partner, or a coach that will ask you: What is the first step you can take with the information you have right now?

Doers
You like to run fast and don't like when people slow you down. But being slowed down or even stopped. It might be a sign for you to lean back and ask yourself: 

• Why am I being slowed down?

• What information or data have I neglected to collect that I am being slowed down or stopped by others?

• Collect the data your BE-ers challenge you to collect: the numbers, thoughts, and emotions you were missing. You love a good conversation, so go and talk with a few people and ask them direct questions that you feel so comfortable asking, like:

• What are you concerned about?

• What do you think I am ignoring right now?

• Where can you challenge my thinking?

 Remember, doing is not better than being, and being is not better than doing. We need those two energies to bring out the best in ourselves, our company, and our teams to thrive. 

 We need to challenge each other.

When the team or individuals lean toward emotions, we can invite digging more into data and action.

 When the team is digging deep into the data and is slow on the action, it is time to ask: What is the first step we can take with the data we have right now?

 And when the team is running too fast to action, we can challenge them to look at data they might have missed with emotions and numbers.

 Diversity can come in different ways, and to help your organization, your team, and yourself to thrive, make sure you have both do-ers and be-ers with their emotions, thoughts, and actions to support each other. What is one step you can take to move forward with the information you have learned in this article and video?

 If you liked this video and article and would like to go beyond with the leadership, subscribe for more, or share with someone you think can get value from this article or video. Sharing is caring!