Toxic Positivity - When we don’t leave room to anything but positive

"I have to stay positive."

"Why are you always so negative?"

"I know, I know, I need to stay away from my negative thoughts."

"It's okay. Everything is going to be fine."

Come on, everyone! Let's stay away from negativity and look at the bright side."

"We have to stay positive."

We can see that on social media, we can see that in conversations with friends and even at work. Why, so often, do we tend to tell them that everything will be okay when people have a challenging situation?

It seems like positive emotions are the only ones we can have. 

What's going on?

Why is there no room to feel it all?

What will happen if we open the door to give ourselves permission to feel it all?

In this article, I will invite you to look beyond the positive and see how maybe we got the Positive Psychology idea all wrong because of Social Media or some unclear movement.

So wrong that until I did some deep dive to research and get a better understanding of what is Positive Psychology I didn't realize how much harm we can be doing to ourselves, to the people around us, and as leaders of our team members and peers when don't allow anything but positive in the room.

There is even a new term for this phenomenon—toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is when the environment and the surroundings tell us that we need to stay positive all the time; there is no room for negative feelings or thoughts. And that experience can lead to shame, anxiety, and even low engagement and mental health issues in the workplace. 

So let's see how, as leaders, you can influence a different experience when you identify toxic positivity in your team or with your leadership.

Hi, I am Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies like you to go beyond their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go. 

So let's take a moment to understand what positive psychology is. During the 90s, the Positive Psychology movement was established by Martin Seligman; the main idea behind this movement is that when people reach therapy, rather than diagnosing what is wrong with them, they choose to look at their strengths, what emotions, thoughts, or behaviors serve them, and work for them. 

Sometimes I say that when people meet with me for the first time, they are all gray; it can be seen as if they might have lost connection with the part in them that makes them shine and feel at their best. Sometimes in one conversation or even more, you can see the colors coming back when they are reminded through a coaching conversation that they are creative, resourceful, and whole human beings with many strengths that helped them get to where they are today; they need that reminder.

Unfortunately, with the rise of social media posts in the past few years, most of us focused on showing the "good stuff" in our day. No one will want to see my frustrated face when the kids fight with each other in the back seat of our rented car during our family trip to Yellow Stone Park. People would like to see smiling family pictures with a background of beautiful views and my smiling face with a cup of coffee. We started to see faked reality that communicated without words: "show me the positive, don't be toxic with your low emotions and lost suitcase; no one wants to see that on their daily feed."

But the Positive Psychology movement did not intend to eliminate the space for emotions or thoughts that don't serve us. Understanding them can help us create a new perspective on ourselves and the world surrounding us and be more gentle with ourselves when we feel low. We learn to give permission to be with these emotions and thoughts without freaking out that something "bad" will happen if we experience them.

What do we miss when we don't allow anything but positive?

1. You think about it more.

    Every time we don't want to think, talk, or feel something, the research shows that we think about it 49 times more. Giving yourself permission to be with the "unwanted" thought or emotion will save you time and spiraling with the self-deprecating thoughts that might sound somewhat like: "Why do I keep thinking about it???"

2. The Negative Bias. 
    In a few of my articles and videos, I mentioned these phenomena.  Our ancient brain was programmed and even obsessed with searching for our mistakes and failures. Why? Because one mistake had cost us our life. So even though we don't live in the out, the mechanism is still with us. So whether you want it or not, our brain is programmed to search for the negative first. 

3. Our emotions

   Some people break the word emotions to e - motion, energy in motion. Our emotions are not staying the same all the time. At the last minute, I probably had a lot of different emotions going through me, and so did you. I don't know a single person that is happy all the time. Our emotions, like energy, change many times. We are happy, sad, frustrated, excited, and so on. Emotions come and go, and we can learn to remind ourselves that one emotion, even a negative one, will not stay forever.

The problem is that when we don't create room for ourselves, another person, or as a team (or family) for any thoughts or emotions but positive, we unconsciously can create an experience of toxic positivity, where some people can feel it is not safe to share what they feel or think. The research shows that suppressing emotions can lead to shame, anxiety, and disengagement in the workplace. (Talaifar & Swann, 2020, Campbell-Sills, Barlow, Brown, and Hofmann, 2006.)

Here are a few ways you can reassess your approach to leading yourself or a team without stepping into Toxic Positivity:

1. Let them be 

    We tend to jump into fixing emotions and thoughts. Most people need us to be with them. It can feel uncomfortable because we were trained most of our lives to fix problems. Sometimes just acknowledging where the person is can do much more, even if you cannot solve the experience for them. 

2. Empathy and Compassion 
   I wish you, the leaders of the people I coach, were with me in the coaching conversations when clients share how much your compassion and empathy opened the door for them to see themselves the same way. We can be hard on ourselves. When our leaders remind us of our strengths and our need to be gentle with ourselves, we can access something within through this open-heart acknowledgment and give ourselves permission to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves. It is one of the most powerful moments I see in my interactions with my clients; Don't underestimate your ability to inspire and simultaneously remind your people that it is okay not to be at your best all the time. It is okay to recover; it is okay to breathe; it is okay not to be okay. When you give permission to your people, you reframe for themselves how they see themselves. 

3. The words: should, need, have

   Those three words, should, need, and have, can bring a lot of judgment and shame to the other person or ourselves. When hearing these words, call on your people. For example: "I hear a lot of shoulds or needs in this conversation – I am curious what do you want?"

As a leader, if you identify that your team or you lead discussions with a language that can facilitate toxic positivity, and there is no room for nothing but positive, here is something I will leave you to ponder on:

Emotions or thoughts are not "positive" or "negative": Although we have judgments of them, what if we asked: "What can I learn from this emotion/thought at this moment, what is it trying to communicate to me?"

If you liked this article and/or video, and you or someone you know would like to keep going beyond with their leadership, make sure to subscribe and share with others.

Gratitude Practice - What does it Even Mean?

“Dear journal, I am thankful for my health. Dear journal, I am grateful for my family. Dear journal, I am thankful for the food we have. “
Okay, so maybe there is a better way to approach gratitude? 

Many times when I mention gratitude practice to my leader clients, they have the same look on their face that I used to have when someone said they practice "Gratitude"; I had the look of "come 'on another woo-woo thing that people who wear tie-dye shirts do? 

In this article, l will clarify what gratitude practice is and a few ways that might be helpful for you to try and experiment and see if gratitude practice helps you boost your energy, focus, adversity, and bring a sense of joy that might be missing in your life. 

Hi, I am Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go. 

In one of my last videos, I mentioned the negative bias. The negative bias is a tendency we focus in our day, week, and life on the things that don't work for us. For example, you had a wonderful day at work, and then around 2 pm, there was one annoying coworker comment. When you come home, and your partner asks you how your day was, all you remember from that beautiful day is that one annoying comment and respond with a grumpy face: "I had better…." That's what we call the "Negative Bias." Our ancient brain was engineered to be obsessed with our mistakes, with our failures, because the focus on the mistakes and failures made sure we learn from them; that was our way to survive our life in danger out and about. This Negative Bias mechanism kept us alive. The mechanism stayed as in many ancient brain behaviors, but the need is different. 

The good news is that we can reprogram our brains. Our brain CAN learn new ways that serve our new life needs. One of the ways to teach our ancient brain to lower its focus on the negative bias is to focus on progress, what's working, and gratitude.

• Progress – where can we see improvement?

• What's working – where we can recognize and appreciate what we do well?

• Gratitude – where we can appreciate and be grateful for what we have in our lives?

 To learn more about the Negative Bias and rewiring your brain check out my article HERE.

Multiple studies show that gratitude can boost our well-being and improve our mood. A study published in Applied Psychology in 2011 showed that people who practiced gratitude for 15 minutes before they went to sleep slept better and had fewer negative thoughts. Another study found that people who practice gratitude have fewer negative emotions like resentment and anger.

Being more aware of gratitude's impact on our lives, I have noticed a pattern. When I coached successful leaders who are more resilient and find it easier to adapt to change, I asked them what made these attributes their strengths. The answers were the same repeatedly; they were grateful for what they had had in their life. Many mentioned that expressing gratitude was something they saw in their house with their parents or grandparents or another influential leader or teacher they met in their life journey.

This supports other studies that positive and grateful people are contagious; many want to get closer to them. Many successful people practice gratitude every morning.

How do you practice gratitude?

There are many techniques, but I will share three that most of my clients appreciate and, most importantly, find easy to adapt as a habit. 

1.     Journaling

Here is how I define Journaling; Journaling is writing your thoughts and emotions in whatever fits you. There is no right or wrong way to journal; there is no specific length of writing which is good or bad. It can be one word or many pages. It can be a few times a day, every day, or every few days. It can be different from one day to another. The important thing is that you take the time to express your thoughts and emotions in writing and/or drawing/doodling and any other art that suits you. Maybe even composing what we are grateful for?

Here are two you can try.

• The Long List – take time to write down 50 things in your life every day that you are grateful for. This technique is not for every soul. But the purpose of this approach is that the more you write, the deeper you must challenge yourself to see what you have to be grateful for. The competitive, or those who like a challenge, can enjoy this practice. 

• The Shortlist (the Zen Approach) - If, like me, you prefer short and deep. You write two or three things you are grateful for every day, but you have to be specific. 
  Write a specific sentence that expresses why you are grateful for your health: I am thankful that today I could work out for 30 minutes even though my right knee hurts. Instead of writing a vague short sentence like, I am grateful for my health. Or rather than writing, I am thankful for my family, write a specific example that explains why. For example, I am grateful that my son in college called me today, even though I know he prefers to text. 

2.     Visual/Imaginative way - Scan your day and choose the best images of your past day.

 One of the best ways to reprogram your brain to focus on what's working is before you sleep. Before you go to sleep:

• Scan your day.

• Look at all the visuals in your day, somewhat like a video.

• Click the Pause Button on your remote when you identify a moment you are grateful for and be with it.

To appreciate that moment and keep scanning the video of your day, focusing on moments of gratitude, you can take a moment to enjoy and be with them fully.

3.     Praying

Praying can be a religious practice, but not only. Praying can work well for people who like to express their thoughts and emotions out loud. It can also be an excellent gratitude practice for people engaging in or reconnecting with this routine. Prayers can be poems or quotes you feel can be a perfect way to express your gratitude; they can be religious prayers or prayers from a prayer book you like; they can even be prayers you wrote yourself. Prayers can be a poetic way to feel and express how grateful you feel for what you have in your life.

If you choose to experiment with gratitude practice in one of the ways I mentioned above, or a different way, I invite you to pay attention to your day or the day after you practiced gratitude. When I try a new habit, I do my best to be consistent with this new habit, but when I miss a day rather than being upset with myself, I move into curiosity.

What do you notice about yourself when you practiced gratitude vs. the days you didn't? Did something feel different?

 Did you feel more focused? Did you feel more positive? Do you have more energy? Did you sleep better at night? If nothing changes, let it go. But if you notice a shift in the way you experience life, in your ability to deal with challenges and even experience more joy, maybe it's a new routine you can add to your life. 

Thanks for watching. If you liked this video and would like to keep going Beyond with your leadership, please follow me @noaRcoach, subscribe to my YouTube channel, and check out my Beyond Blog here www.noaronencoaching.com

The Negative Bias - Train our Brain to Look at Progress for Better Results and Inner Peace

You're having a great day when suddenly, you have so much progress with the project you lead, and then when you meet a coworker during a coffee break, they are making an irritating comment. The rest of your day went well; during your 1:1 with your supervisor, they complimented you on influencing an idea in the last meeting with the team, and later on, you met with a peer to progress on another project, and you both worked well together. But when you arrive home, all you can remember is the irritating comment from your coworker during the coffee break. 

Why, when you had a not-good, but great day with so many accomplishments, all you can remember is that one incident? 

That phenomenon is called "The Negative Bias" or negativity bias. And in today's article, I will share what negative Bias is and how we can overcome it. 

Hi, I am Noa and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership. 

When you look at your passing day, your week, or maybe even your past month? What are you looking at first? 

1. What have you not accomplished? 

2. What didn't work?

3. What worked?

Most of us tend to look first at all the things that didn't work. Why do we tend to focus on the negative? 

There are different reasons; some are the way we were raised, by our parents our culture: "do better," "do your best," and "aim for excellence!!" "why 99 and not 100?" or "did everyone get 100?" these sentences shape the way we look at the world.

And today, I want to focus on another reason: our brain and, more specifically, our ancient brain. In the last few years, neuroscience research has become very strong. And what we know now about the ancient brain is that its role is to flag danger so we can know if to: "fight," "flight," or "freeze" in moments that can be risky for us and get in our way of surviving life.

One way is by flagging something that is different; the brain will communicate to us: "Hey! Be careful; this is different! It might be dangerous. Stay away."

Another way is when our ancient flags make mistakes: "Hey! That was not a smart idea! Next time you do that, you might get in trouble or lose your life! Don't let it happen again." This mistakes mechanism that our ancient brain flags are called the negative Bias.

But now, when we no longer live in the jungle, that negative bias mechanism can get in our way. Rather than focusing on what's working, we focus on that one thing in the day that didn't work and give it so much attention that we feel distracted.

For example, when we sense that someone is annoyed by us, maybe they even said something to communicate how they feel. We can sense our ancient brain triggers the negative Bias, and we will repeat that sentence in our head many times during the day, asking ourselves: "what could we have done or said differently?" or "why are they so annoyed by us?"

Another example is when we have an important presentation at the office. We wear the yellow shirt that makes us feel confident. After the presentation, a few people stop you outside to compliment you for the presentation. You stop to chat with one of your peers, who says: "by the way you have a coffee stain on your shirt. Do you want the special stain pen I have to fix it?" You thank them, but all you can think about the rest of your day is: "How did I miss this stain?" the compliments from others on your presentation disappear, and you are distracted by the stain.

So what can we do to keep the negative bias mechanism from distracting us? Neuroplasticity, or brain flexibility. Some call it rewiring our brains because our brain is like electric wires that send notifications. We can teach those wires to send new messages. The brain can learn to do that.

But this time, with our brain, the machines you use in the gym are replaced by new ones.

How can we do that? We train our brains like any other muscle we work in the gym. Like any change, change happens in repetition.

You see, what the neuroscientists have found is that we can reprogram or train our brain or pay more attention to what's working, progress, and strengths than the negative, what's not working, and weaknesses. 

Studies show that people who look at progress and strengths as routine practice achieve more.

 Now remember the focus is not on not allowing ourselves to see what's not working or even negative emotions and ALWAYS STAY positive; it is not about not letting our peers express challenges and non-positive experiences. We want to embrace and accept where we are and create a safe space for ourselves and others. And yet, if we notice that our focus is all the time on what's not working when the only feedback we give to others is on weaknesses, when we talk with ourselves and others about improving and doing better but never recognize what's working, maybe it is time to pause and ask ourselves if the ancient brain is distracting us. We might need to refocus and train our brains to notice: Strengths, Progress, and What's working.

How can we do that? 
There are many options, but I will share the two that you can take:

1. Gratitude practice.

 Take time in your day, week, or month to practice gratitude. Please check my next blog post and video to learn more about that.

2. Reflect on what's working and progress. 

Take time at the end of your day/work day to reflect on your day, week, month, quarter, and year. 

 Here are a few questions you can engage in your daily/bi-weekly/weekly/monthly/yearly reflections:

• What are the three things that worked today/week? 

• Where have you seen progress today? Work and life, 

• Where have you seen yourself using your strengths today/this week?

• What are you grateful for?

Find an accountability partner to meet with or share your notes if needed. Ensure you always start with these 4 points before you dive into fixing or discussing what you could have done better.

The more your ancient brain meets this practice, the more you will notice progress with yourself, your peers, your team, your kids, and your life.

I Challenge You:

Do you need to give a performance review to someone you feel is not performing well? That can be very challenging. I will challenge you to take a moment with yourself before you meet with them and ask yourself: what does that person do that works? What is one strength that this person has?

 Find at least one for each of these questions and then prepare again for your conversation with this person.

 I have done the Progress Reflection Practice weekly for over 12 years. Still, each time I reflect on my week, my ancient brain will try to distract me from what's not working, and every week I will delete the first sentence that starts with what's not working and refocus myself and my ancient brain on progress. Remember, like any muscle, when we stop using them, it becomes harder to use them, and the more we use them, the shorter it takes us to overcome challenges. It is a life work of progress, just like any workout.

ILPC - Identify, Label, Pause, Choose

We all had those moments when someone or something triggered or annoyed us.  We observe ourselves from the side and can see the inner spark or total silence that is not aligned with what we want. In those moments, we experience our emotions and or thoughts or actions leading us instead of us leading (not controlling) them. They get in our way to head toward the outcome that we want, and we might even hear an inner conversation that sounds somewhat like: "urge, I ted wish I would show up differently." But the frustrating reality is even though we promise ourselves time after time that we will show up differently – we don't.

Hi, I am Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go. 

 In this article/video, I would like to share a simple framework that can help you lead your emotions or thoughts in a productive way.

 Emotional self-regulation or emotion regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behavior and reactions to feelings, especially strong ones, and calm down after something exciting or upsetting happens.

Same with your thoughts, when you know your thought pattern, you can learn how to lead your thoughts in a new way. I call the framework: ILPC. 

 ILPC stands for Identify, Label, Pause, and Choose. 

 Step 1: Identify

Okay, so you are triggered. The question is, how are you showing up when you're triggered?

When we are triggered, our thought patterns and emotions lead us to unwanted behaviors. This is why it's essential to identify the thought patterns that led to how we show up with our feelings and thoughts. 

 Which of the following is your thought pattern, and when does it show up?

• All-or-Nothing Thinking - Seeing things in black-or-white, zero or one, right or wrong. You will think that it has to be either or. But there are many shades of gray and numbers between zero and one.

• Negative Bias – even though things are going well, you pick one negative detail out and focus on it. 
   If you are a neuroscience geek, please know that the negative Bias is a survival behavior adopted by our ancient brain to keep us safe. Making a mistake could cost our lives; this is why our brain wants us to be aware of the "bad decisions we made" and pay attention to what's NOT working. But in today's reality, most of us do not need to worry about our life all the time. Still, the mechanism stayed.   The cure is to learn how to teach our brain to look at WHAT'S WORKING. We can rewire our brains to see situations from a new perspective and switch how we approach them.

• Overgeneralization - Believing that it "always" happens to you or "never" happens to you – this is when we feel frustrated and defeated. 

• Magnification/minimization - Your special magnifying glass can magnify an issue, making it bigger than it is. Or you're able to minimize the situation and your positive qualities. 

• Mind Reading/Fortune Telling - You jump to a conclusion based on a feeling or thought without any evidence to support it.

• Emotional Reasoning - You believe that whatever you're feeling, it must be so. 
  So how do you show up with your thought patterns, and when? 

Step 2 - Label

So now you know.
The problem is that when we often know that we feel or think in a way that is not aligned with the outcome we want to see, we ignore, avoid or make it small. Why?It goes back to your thought pattern:

• Make it small – well, others have more significant problems. I should not be this way.

• Self-Deprecation – how do I even dare to feel or think this way? I should be positive.

• Ignore/Avoid it – I will work and distract myself.

 The problem with these techniques is research that shows that every time you ignore your emotions and your thoughts, you think about them or feel them 49 times more. 
When we label or name our emotions or thought patterns, we validate what we feel and think. We acknowledge that they exist without needing to fix or delve into them. They are just there to co-exist. They are no good or bad. They are just there.
What can be confusing is that labeling our emotions and thoughts doesn't mean that they will stay there forever. Emotions are not stagnant. They come and go. Even right now, when you read or listen to this idea, you have many thoughts and emotions that show up and disappear. When you trust that this is the idea of thoughts and emotions, that they are energy that goes in and out, that there are not there forever – you can validate them and say: I see you and hear you, I know you are here with me. 

 
Step 3 – Pause & Choose

Now, when we name and validate what we feel and think, we can pause and then choose. Have you ever experienced feeling overwhelmed with emotions or thoughts, and when you shared it with another person, you heard the response: "calm down, let's just take a big breath." 
I can't stand it. Why? Because when people tell me to take a big breath, it feels like I don't have a choice: they are making me do something that makes me feel out of control. I don't feel like taking a big breath; what I want to do at that moment is scream, cry, yell, or lose control of my way. Not their way.

Here is what I do believe taking a big breath is not about calming down. Taking a big deep breath is about a moment of PAUSE This deep breath is because I know my emotions and thoughts are leading me It is an intentional moment for me to pause and choose between two options

- Do I want to stay and let my emotions and thoughts keep leading me?

- Do I want to shift to a new way of being or doing?

Pause doesn't have to be a deep breath; it can be anything that makes YOU PAUSE, to be intentional.  You can stand, take a sip of water, step away from your computer, and make yourself a coffee or tea. My favorite is touching a pulse point on your body (heart, arm) or touching jewelry you wear on one of those pulse points (bracelet, watch, neckless). It can also be a grounding question you write on a sticky note and stick to your computer/laptop screen.

Step 4 – Making an Intentional Choice

Making a choice is a powerful experience. Whether I choose to stay or shift, I respond to a need.
If I choose to stay– that's okay – I am choosing to show up this way. 
The paradox at that moment is that we sometimes want and need to stay. Then the transition is organic and gentle. Most important, we are not on autopilot anymore. It is an intentional choice.
If I choose to shift – I only shift after I check in with myself and ask: 
 What do I need? The answer can be different

• I need to step away

• I need to reach out and ask for support 

• I need to reach out so I can see a new perspective

• Anything else you need

What I love about sharing this system is how empowering it is. Being at a place of choice is empowering to you and others.
It takes time to practice this framework, but finding your way is so liberating.

Remember, first, you identify, then you label or name your emotions or your thoughts, you pause to center yourself, and last, you make an intentional choice. And as a leader, you can use that not only with yourself but also to empower others when you help them develop and grow. Experiment with the ILPC and share with me how it works for you. If you liked this video/article, subscribe and share.