One of the top three reasons people leave organizations? Lack of recognition from their managers. When people come to me and share with me their frustration with their managers not recognizing them, here is what I ask them: "What if your managers have never learned how to recognize others?" Why do I ask that?

Because I used to be that manager, and today I'm going to share with you a few simple ways of how you can feel more comfortable recognizing others and also feel more comfortable when others recognize you.

Hi, my name is Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership.

Are you ready? Let's go.

Some of us find it very challenging to be recognized by others or recognize others. I was the same. And here are two main reasons why for some of us, it can feel so challenging.

The first one, as always, is our parents.

And the second one is our culture.

Maybe this experience will sound familiar to you. When I was a little girl and came home with a good grade, my father asked me why 99 and not 100? That question, "Why 99 and not 100," followed me for years; I always asked myself, "How can I do things better? How can I take myself from 99 to 100?" The problem was that not only was I having this internal conversation with myself, but I also started having the exact expectations of the people I worked with and managed. And by the way, also with my kids.

The second reason that recognition was so challenging was that I came from a red pen culture. Erin Meyer, the researcher and the author of the book, the Culture Map, explains that red pen culture is a culture where a student submits their work to the teacher they receive it with red pen notes. In those notes, the teachers write down what the student could have done better to do the work. People from a red pen culture will always ask themselves: "how can I do things better?" and that would be their focus.

When I moved to the US, I realized I needed to shift how I communicate with others, including my kids, and start recognizing what others do more.

But how do you do that? How do you work on the mental muscle of recognizing others? Working on a muscle, just like in the gym, takes time. And I believe it has to first start with working on yourself.

The first thing I had to learn was how to shift my focus from what's NOT working to what works.

Shifting your focus to what's working is not an easy path. And you have to train yourself and work on that mental muscle to learn how to shift the focus from what's not working to asking yourself again and again first, what's working?

When you learn how to do this work with yourself, then you can start working on how to do this work with others.

How do you do that with others?

Here is a simple way that you can recognize others. What people really want is that their actions will be seen. And that's why the simple way for you to start working on the mental muscle of what's working is to use two words: I See.

So if you find it challenging to recognize others, next time when you sit with others, start the sentence when you want to recognize them with "I see." Or "I noticed."

Now be very specific when you use the words: I see/I noticed.

Rather than saying "good job," or "Awesome work" (this is vague and people don't really know what to do with this feedback) be more specific, and say for example, "I saw yesterday in the meeting that you took initiative in the conversation, and the report you suggested is working very well for the team. Thank you for taking that extra step to help our team move forward."

Building on "I see"

And here is a cool way you can build on the idea of "I see" that I learned from one of my executive clients who implemented this method of "I see" to recognize their people.

When people share with you what they and their team are doing to ask for recognition, you can ignore it, or you can build on their sharing by using the “I see.”

"Yes, I have seen what you and your team have done in the past few weeks. It was a great opportunity for you and your team. And I loved to see the email from the CFO recognizing what you and your team did this morning. It means that you are building your team’s brand to be seen as experts of … – well done."

So remember first train your brain to look at what's working rather than what's not working, and then play with "I see" / "I have noticed" and share in detail what you see so people can know and understand what you mean and build on their momentum. And if needed, you can build on the I see/I notice when you see your people seeking recognition (and may it be a learning opportunity for you that they don't need to seek recognition, release them from this burden and initiate the recognition before they ask for it).

A great resource to learn more about this topic is the book How Full is Your Bucket by Tom Rath and Donald O.Clifton Ph.D

My client was delighted, in the past few sessions, her goal was to see how can she convince the organization to let her work from home.

"Noa, I am so happy," she said, "not about the COVID-19, I am freaking out about it, but at last I can work from home.

Many don't share the same experience as my client. They miss the human connection; they miss going to make coffee with another team member or catching up with a peer while waiting for everyone to join them in the meeting room.

"I love the energy in the room when we brainstorm in the meeting room together. It doesn't feel the same when we do it remotely," this is what a manager told me a few months ago when his work shifted to leading his team remotely. He was lost and lonely, mentally, and physically.

Feeling Alone

For me, experiencing social distancing right now is not the first time. Actually, I felt this way for quite a long time when I relocated to the US. Why am I sharing this with you? Many people feel a sense of isolation for the first time when they go through relocation. I say that not only because of my own personal experience but also from working with many expatriates-executives and expat families in the past 10 years. The feeling of loneliness is actually familiar in a time of change. Before the transition, we think we know how the new situation is going to look like, still, in reality, it looks different than how we envisioned it. Not knowing how to behave in this unexpected situation, we find ourselves in makes us feel a lack of control, and many of us will move inwardly and isolate themselves.

You see, when you move from one country to another (or even from one state to another), you leave behind your family, friends, and your social networking. In a split second, you lose all your support. From working full time and having child care or the grandparents picking up my older son from the nursery school, I was all alone. From a full-time executive, I became a stay at home mom who was with two toddlers and no real adult conversation. It took me a while to build again my friends' circle, which is not an easy task when you are in your thirties. I remember talking to my life coach and sobbing about how lonely I feel.

But in the second round, I approached the relocation to Raleigh, NC, differently. After making many mistakes with my first relocation, I felt equipped. Still, I was willing to accept that re-rooting our family and being part of a new community will take longer, even a few years.

Here are a few learnings from my relocation experience that can help you navigate through the social distancing blues.

Don't Isolate yourself more than you already are. One of the most significant learnings I had is how easy it is to isolate ourselves unconsciously when we feel lost or out of control. It is a hidden focus that misleads our actions. This is why I believe it is essential you set the alarm to go every day outdoors. The research shows that nature has the ability to heal our soul and shift our mindset even with mental health. Walk, run, skip, bike, sit in the sun, or work in the garden (far away from your electronics) - I am a big believer that nature can help us feel grounded and centered. Especially in times when we feel a lack of control. When we feel grounded and connected with ourselves, we find the energy to connect with others.
Talk with people don't text. Living in a different time zone brought another challenge: how do I find a time that works to speak with my family and friends. Not having a voice or video conversation with the family and friends while being all day long with the kids didn’t help with my loneliness. We have enough texting, emailing, and scrolling through our social media feed. Just talk with someone. We – human beings need to communicate. We need to express and process our emotions and thoughts (even the ones that tend to process more when they write or use art.) In the COVID-19 reality, when many of us try to push our concerns and emotions away, communicating what we feel and think is needed even more. Now, video is not part of the protocol. No one said this whole social distancing requires to use Zoom, just pick up the phone and call someone. My friends and I started the walk and talk calls. We call each other while walking rather than walking alone. I don’t do it every day, but once or twice a week is enough for my needs.
Have a routine. Here is the deal, we didn’t ask for this reality nor chose it. But when forcing into a new reality, we can be on autopilot and react, or we can take a moment and be intentional with our choices. From being a working woman, I became a stayed at home mom with two little kids with no help. My days at first passed by with no purpose nor joy. I did choose to move to the US but did not expect to stay home and not work for a long time. I learned that when we are forced to a situation, a routine is key. Be intentional about your day and week, even if this situation feels temporary. I believe this COVID-19 “temporary” reality is going to stay here much longer than we anticipated. So do yourself a favor and ask yourself the following questions:

Are you reactive or intentional about your week? If you are intentional, you are on the path to feeling better and empowered – you take control of some of the choices you have in your day. It’s a start! If you react without any intention, move to the second question.
What are the key elements you want to see in my week? Wants! not need or have to. What are the key elements you want to see in your calendar this week? Working out? Speaking with X people on the phone? Eating healthier, Taking 1 hour off for running errands, take 1 hour to homeschool your kids, clean your house, learn a new skill, write a blog post? Whatever elements you want to see in your week – write them down, then look at your calendar and plan your week with intention.

Being in this new reality we have never experienced before we become reactive and let the situation leads us. I call this a state a state of AwareLess (unable to notice our tendencies in those situations when we are distracted and maybe even stressed).

When we feel a sense of no control, we can look around and see what some tiny steps are, or decisions we can make to think that we have somewhat of control over the situation. Taking the time to become more intentional of how you act, feel, and think not only will create a sense of control but maybe even make you feel empowered.

Take a moment to rescan again the points I mentioned above and ask yourself: How can you move from being reactive to intentional with your actions and choices? What are the hidden focuses that mislead your way and make you feel the social distancing blues? Then create a new plan that can bring your energy levels up and hopefully change your perspective about where you are.