The Being of the System - Part 1: Grief

Intro:

The Being of the System is an idea I developed a few years ago when I published my book "BEyond Leadership." Following the book, I recorded a video series called "Lean Back" about leadership and executive coaching. This video series, accompanied by new articles related to the videos' topics, is a collection of the"best of" my coaching conversations with leader clients.

When it was time to post the video and article about the "Being of the System," I could sense some resistance to posting what I wrote. For some reason, I felt that it was not ready yet!

I have learned through writing that if my body and intuition tell me that "it is not there yet," I will let it "be" without pushing unnecessary action.

What I have learned since that resistance is that grief would meet me in unexpected corners of my life, which plays a big role in the idea of the Being of the System.

I devote this two-part article to anyone in this world who is feeling immense pain and grief right now. This is my way of sending love and light to anyone who would like to embrace what they need in whatever way suits them.

The Being of the System Part 1- Grief

A few weeks ago, every coaching session and every conversation I had with a leader, friend, or family member was around grief. I am not kidding; every session was around a different emotional toll followed by the death of loved ones or the death of a peer at work. Not only that but in our personal life, one of our loved ones experienced an unexpected, devastating health situation that brought much sadness and grief.

Grief is an intense and interesting concept. We all know that grief is the emotional loss we experience when we say goodbye to someone we know or love. However, grief has many more layers that we might ignore or not consider as grief. We might think that we are depressed or something is "off", but we will not acknowledge our experience of grief because death is not part of it.

In this article, I invite you to notice how grief is currently part of our life in many more layers and experiences than we think.

What is grief?

Grief is an overwhelming experience of deep sorrow, but sorrow is the first layer of emotions. We experience many additional emotions, from anger through disappointment to self-pity. It's big and overpowering at the same time.

Why is that?

I believe it is the impact of our Being Energy. What do I mean by "Being" energy?

I believe that we all have two energies within us:

• One is the DOING energy.

• And one is the BEING energy.

The Doing energy is the energy of actions; we all know how to do things, how to act, and how to get things done. Some of us even refer to ourselves as "Doers."

On the other hand, there is the energy of the Being. That energy consists of our thoughts, emotions, fears, aspirations, perspectives, and limiting beliefs.

The Being and Doing energies do not compete with each other; like Yin and Yang, they complete each other.

How the Being Energy and Grief are connected?

In times of grief, the main question we ask ourselves is: "Who am I going to be without that person? Who am I going to be in this new situatio?." The special need we have to redefine who we are in the new situation brings to the surface many emotions, thoughts, beliefs, aspirations, and fears that together impact the being energy, which grows bigger and bigger. In contrast, the doing energy becomes smaller with no energy to move or act. Even when we try to move to action, it feels like we push the gas pedal when the brake is pressed.

This is why grief can show up in any experience of life/work transition, not only in challenging moments like divorce or becoming empty nesters but also in positive and exciting situations. For example, when someone has a new baby, they need to redefine who they are in this new role in their life; the role of a parent who is responsible for another one's life and needs– they need to redefine what it would look like for them to be a parent.

When a team member is promoted to a Team Lead role, they need to redefine who they are in this new situation. Friendships might need to be redefined with their peers, and their tasks and responsibilities will shift too; what would it look like for them now?

Whether a work/life transition is positive or negative, the essence of redefining who we are in a new situation is the experience of grief, grieving our old self and redefining our new self.

So, if you plan an organizational change as a leader, be aware that your people might be going through a few different transitions simultaneously that create an experience of grief that feeds our Being energy and impacts our actions.

I can experience the positive change of having a new grandchild while realizing that I might need to say goodbye to a close friend and move to work on a new team. At the same time, different transitions in work and life require redefining who I am in these new experiences, which impact how I show up with my doing and being energies.

Grief is not one, but many. It shows up in positive and negative situations, and our role as leaders is to pay attention to the different layers of grief we experience and be aware that at the same time, it is happening to our people. The Being of the System is the grouped emotions, beliefs, aspirations, thoughts, and mindsets of a few different individuals.

In the next article, I will address how the Being of the System can slow leaders down or stop them when they ignore the Being of the System.

External Vs. Internal Accountability - How to Achieve Your Goals Without Going Against Yourself.

 Setting your goals is mostly the easy part of achieving your goals. The hardest part is committing to them. I find that many of us cannot create a consistent commitment to our goals and achieve them not because we are lazy, procrastinators, or lack motivation but because many of us work against ourselves. We don't understand the mechanism of how we can achieve goals, and that's why we fail.

 To better understand our motivation to act, we must understand the difference between external and internal accountability. 

Internal accountability:

If you are motivated by internal accountability, that means that when you tell yourself that you are going to act on a goal, you WILL follow your goals at the time you allotted for it. 

External Accountability:

On the other hand, if you have found yourself wondering why it is so easy for you to be accountable for your team or friends, but it's so challenging to be accountable to yourself, you are one of the people who are motivated by external accountability. By the way, most of us are motivated by external accountability. 

Remember I shared that you can go against yourself by setting your goals? Let's see how you can go with the system that is right for you. 

Systems for people who are motivated by external accountability:

External Accountability
To accomplish your goals, create systems that lean on one person or a group. 

One on One

• Accountability Partner. 
   An accountability partner is someone you partner with to achieve similar goals; business goals, weight goals, workout goals - in a nutshell, you want to achieve the same goals. 
  For example, my accountability partner and I have supported each other's business for several years. We challenge each other, brainstorm ideas to support each other's businesses, share each other's knowledge, resource and network to support each other, and we also make sure to remind each other to spend time on self-care. To gain excellent results from having an accountability partner, I recommend co-designing what will motivate you to stay accountable and committed to each other's goals. Before you have the conversation with another person, start by asking yourself who can be the right persona to keep you accountable.

** You can find more information on establishing accountability partnerships in the links below. 
Click Here and get your accountability checklist

• Pets
  Yes, an accountability partner can also be a pet. For example, I had a few clients who got dogs to start walking, focus on self-care, or running to change workout habits or wake up early in the morning.

One to Many  
An accountability partner can be a one-on-one partnership, but it can also be a group partnership.

• Mastermind or Group Coaching - One of the ways to establish a group partnership is mastermind, or other groups that help each team member achieve their goals. These groups can be virtual groups that meet on Zoom or other online options or in person. I believe that the best ones are groups that focus on a specific topic, like speaking skills or growing your leadership skills or business.

• Online

  • Online forums - you can use online forums or other groups to achieve your goals and do it at your own pace and time with less personal commitment.

  • Social Media - Some people gain from posting online to their community about how they will commit to achieving a goal.
    Being accountable to the people who follow me on social media made me commit to my goals. For example, when I wanted to get better at online videos, I posted on social media that every time I ran, I would post a video and share my thoughts and my ideas from the run. This is how I established "on the run" videos that were on my social media accounts for almost three years.

Internal Accountability. 

1. Gamification

Some of the people that are motivated internally are also competitive. If you are inspired by competition, create a game with rules that will encourage you to stay competitive to achieve your goals. Here is how you can use the system of gamification. 

• The first step, write down all the goals you want to achieve.

• The second step is you give each goal points. And here is the competitive part: the more challenging the goal is for you, the higher the issues you will assign for these goals.
  For example, Let's say that writing an email is an easy goal for you, then you will assign it one point. And networking is a goal that is quite challenging for you, so you will get 100 points if you go to a networking event and speak with at least one person; if you talk with five, maybe you will even get more points.

• The next step is to decide how many points you want to achieve at the end of the week.

• Repeat the system each week and adapt the numeric weekly goals.

And you can even go the Hybrid way here. Some people I know use the same system to compete against their accountability partner - what a great way to engage both gamification and accountability partners!

The most important is:

1. Don't go against yourself.

2. Don't feel limited by playing against yourself; you are more than welcome to use this system with others.

3. If you are motivated by external accountability, create the systems with another person or a group. If you are internally motivated, ask yourself how you can make competitive goals to achieve the challenging goals that are important to you.

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What Can You Learn From Listening to Your Procrastination?

At times, when clients are stressed, busy, or overwhelmed, they will talk about themselves as lazy and procrastinators.  But let me ask you, is it true? Are you really lazy? Are you really a procrastinator? I don't think so. I believe there is always a bigger truth to why we do not do what we should do.  I find that most times, we can learn a lot from what the resistance of moving into action is trying to tell us that we ignore and jump right away to what we have heard from others. There is always a bigger truth; we just need to listen to what it has to say about what we call laziness or procrastination.

 Hi, my name is Noa. And I work with teams, leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go. 

 Procrastination, as the dictionary defines it is an action of postponing or delaying something. But looking at this definition, I was missing the Why behind this. But why do we procrastinate? I believe that there are three main reasons why we procrastinate.

1. Importance

2. Purpose

3. External Accountability

I will start with number two: Purpose. I believe that many times when we don't move into action, it's because we do not understand the purpose behind the action. We are still unclear about the why behind this action, so there is no real motivation, and sometimes it feels like resistance: "why should you?"
Let me give you an example; When I need to write an article or a blog post, sometimes I find that I cannot move into action and start writing. Initially, I used to feel upset with my slow to action; why am I so excited about the idea of writing but cannot move into action when I sit in front of the screen? What's going on? Now I know that I'm unable to start writing because I still don't have clarity on the purpose behind this topic; the idea is not deep enough for me to move into writing, and my resistance is telling me that I need to understand it better. When I understand the purpose behind what I want to write, when it is all clear to me, it's easier for me to move into action. 

 Reason number one. Importance. 
Sometimes, a reality check and being very honest with ourselves are needed. This is when we need to look in the mirror and ask the hard questions: is this action necessary to me? Maybe this action is not as important as you want it to be. Maybe it is not even you that think this action is essential, but others are telling you that you should/need/have to take the action. Or maybe you see others taking this action and you want to do it because others do. If you look beyond your (or others') shoulds, needs, and have-to-do you really need to take on this action? Listen well to what the resistance to moving into action is trying to tell you. Maybe it's time for you to pause and assess the situation. When we look deeper, we might identify that the action is unimportant or even necessary for us, and we can let it go. Or maybe the actions aligned with the purpose and vision of this action and how it is connected to your life and/or business/work vision.

Now to number three, Accountability. In her work, Gretchen Rubin explains that we are wired differently to move into action to reach our goals. Some of us are motivated by what she calls internal Accountability – we set goals with ourselves and achieve them. Others are motivated by external goals – we need to commit to our teams, a manager, and partners to achieve our goals. Look at your accountability systems; you might notice that you have already created ways to commit to others but overlooked them as external Accountability. If you are wired to achieve your goals by external Accountability – don't work against yourself. No matter how often you say: I will achieve this goal on my own, you have a low probability of doing so. Therefore ask yourself who can serve as your external Accountability partner/s.

 For example, when COVID19 started, I found it hard to engage in running as part of my workout routine, even though I used to do it until then a few times a week. Since I need external Accountability to achieve goals when I don't move into action, I reached out to my youngest son, who wanted to learn how to run longer runs. I asked him if he would support me in going back to running while I was teaching him how to get to a run of 2-3 miles gradually. That was a win-win for both of us. He learned how to run longer runs, and I could get my two, three miles runs a few times a week back into my weekly workout routine. And start creating systems of committing to an accountability partner or accountability buddy. 

To learn more about Accountability Partners and external and Internal Accountability, check out my article about accountability partners. 

 So remember, you are not lazy nor a procrastinator, and there is a lot you can learn from listening to the resistance from moving into action. So lean back, pay attention and listen to what the procrastination has to teach you; It could be that this action is not that important to you. Or, maybe there is a lack of clarity about the purpose around the doing of this action. Or, perhaps, you need external Accountability to achieve your goals and move into action. If you liked this video and would like to go beyond with your leadership, make sure to subscribe to this channel, like this video, and/or share my blog post.