The Being of the System - How the BEing energy is a Force that can Influence Others to Embrace Change / Featured Article on Leadercast Website

I was honored to be featured at the Leadercast Website as part of their July 2020 topic: Influence.

Leadercast gives you access to hundreds of short videos from CEOs, researchers, peers and experts for insights and solutions to conquer any leadership challenge that comes your way.

Check my article here, or read it below.

Successful organizations have leaders who can quickly adapt to change. Yet there’s no manual on how to effectively influence employees to drive actions toward desired change. 

Ever since we were kids, we were told that our actions made us good: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and do your homework before dinner.” As adults, we often see that the ones who are being promoted or recognized in our organizations are the ones who get things done, and we strive to do the same.

The problem is that there are some areas, like leadership, where actions are not enough. Acting without any awareness of who we are as leaders will not lead to the desired outcome.

For example, when you look at athletes during a game or contest—when the crowd is cheering for the other team and heckling them, or when they miss a shot and have to keep going, or when the final point of the game is all up to them—the one who wins is the one who can manage their Being energy while continuing with their actions. This is why I consider Being energy as a force because it can slow us down or help us thrive. When we want to influence others to join our ideas, what we really want to do is move others toward a desired change. The problem with change is that the bigger it is, the more emotions, thoughts, and concerns we have, which means that Being energy is taking up more space and slowing down our actions. One of my clients who led a large organizational change forgot that it took her a while to process her emotions and thoughts before the change was announced to employees. When she met with her new team, she forgot that these employees hadn’t had the time to process their thoughts and emotions like she did when she found out. And when she pushed the conversation toward action, she was met with sarcasm and no results. “They were so rude to me,” she shared with me after the meeting. I responded, “Remember a few months ago when you needed time to process your emotions and concerns surrounding the change? Have you paid attention to their Being energy?” In the next meeting, rather than rushing them to action, she said, “I understand there are some concerns with the new reality. How about we put the plan aside and have a conversation about how we feel and our concerns. I will start.” Being the first to share, her team opened up and shared their thoughts, too. Quickly after that, they were able to move into action without feeling rushed and trust was established in the process. Here are a few pointers that can help you influence people while addressing the Being force:

Clarity. Why is this change important? Does your team have clarity and understanding of why this change is needed? Don’t be surprised if people don’t have the desire to follow you in the change right away. Go back and do the work with a mentor or a coach to get clarity about your why, values and vision, and provide clarity to your team.

Rushing to action. When you sense resistance to change internally or externally, it is time to lean back and realize that your focus is on the Doing energy. Instead, dare to address the Being energy in the room and/or within. When you direct your energy to the Being force within or with others, you move to what I call BEyond leadership. Not only will you be able to influence and lead change again and again, but you will be able to open up and feel the momentum. You will see beyond yourself, beyond your values, and beyond your vision to now engage others in your leadership and help them grow into their best selves.

Work-Life Balance : How can you look at it differently?

I am not a fan of the term “work/life balance.” Why? Let’s look at the definition of balance: “a state where things are of equal weight or force.” Just as I don’t believe in the idea that we can be happy all the time, I also do not believe that we can have a schedule equally distributed between the work and life, a perfect 50-50 split. Those unrealistic terms frame us in a mindset that is judgmental and deflates our energy.

So I would like to reframe the idea of work-life “balance,” I see work-life balance as energy. Energy is always moving, shifting, and changing. This is why it is not an uneven percentage that frustrates us, but rather our choices: what do we say yes to, and what do we say no to.

When we say yes to too many things, we start feeling like we don’t have control of our time and where we spend it. We feel as though we are spending our time on the wrong things. When we say yes to everything, we don’t feel accomplished or fulfilled or happy: we give more to others and there is no time left for what we need/want to do.

When we experience balance there is a sense of control, and we feel fulfilled and accomplished.  

There are two main areas where I find that it is helpful for my clients and me to achieve more balance in life and feel a sense of control.

1.     Pay attention to your choices – what do you say yes to and what do you say no to.

Saying NO - Sometimes when I head for a quick stop at the supermarket, I look at the big cart or the shopping basket and disregard them “I am only getting milk and bread” I tell myself. But then I pass by the fruit section and see a delightful pack of green grapes that I know my kids enjoy, and then I pass by the cans isle and grab two tomato sauce cans, “It can be a good idea for dinner tonight.” Like my supermarket juggling, having too many things in my hands knowing that in a moment everything will fall down, we do the same with life and work. We say yes to too many things and then we are surprised why we have no time left for what we want or need to do.

If we flip the coin, in his book Essentialism, Greg McKeown, mentions that before we say yes, we need to take a step back and ask ourselves: “What is the main thing I want to see on the path I am walking toward? Is what I am doing essential to reaching my long-term goals or self-care?”
Saying Yes to the “right” things – business, distractions, reactive-fixing problems mentality along the day- makes us forget to take a step back and ask ourselves: “Where are my organization and I heading? What are the small goals we need to take in order to head there?”
Asking these questions will move us from saying yes to the wrong things. Sometimes we say yes to the wrong things because it feels that saying yes to that would be easy to accomplish (especially when it is complicated for others), or maybe because it is comfortable for us. Not only those wrong yeses take us nowhere. They have no value and distract us from seeing the results we want. Yeses should not be the easy and comfortable path, but the ones that will help us grow and bring value to our career and life path.

2.     Design your boundariesMy client once said to me, “As a Human Resources manager, it feels like there is always someone asking me questions, and now, with my newest team member on the team, it is really hard for me to get things done.” In her role like many roles that cater to others’ needs, her door was always open: figuratively, and literally. It was hard to get to the point where she could sit quietly and focus on doing her work, planning, designing, even answering emails. Her days became longer and she arrived home too late to enjoy her two toddlers.

The open-door policy is important in communicating to others that you are accessible and available to support them, but for some people, especially the givers, the ones who are always willing to stop everything they do and help others, they find that there is no time left to accomplish their work. This is when they get in trouble, some will even become bitter and resentful. My client felt this way.
“Can I say that from listening to you it sounds that you have some challenges with boundaries?” She nodded in agreement and replied:  “Yes, I feel it is hard for me to say no with my words and actions to others.”  I asked her to physically draw how the boundary line between her and others looks. “Ha!” she smiled, “as uncomfortable as it is admitted to you, I have no line, at times it might be a very thin line, maybe even dotted – that’s why I never get to do anything, I communicate to people that they can take my time and attention whenever they want.”
We worked together to draw the different boundary lines she wanted to have with different people and in different situations. “You know,” she said, reporting back to me in the next session, “I learned that those lines were meant for me and not for other people. The moment I had them in my head I was able to say no to people or ask them to come back in 2 hours when I am done working on the monthly report. It was actually liberating.”

Whether you feel low-energy because you focus on the wrong goals or spend your time first on others with none left for yourself, take ten minutes to sit down and answer the questions:

1. What are some actions you are saying yes to because they are easy or comfortable, but bring you no value (non-essential)?

2. What are the actions you want to focus on? They might be less easy, maybe not as fun, and maybe even scary but will take you to where you want to be.

3. Are you juggling too many things in your hands right now? Maybe it is time to bring a shopping cart and move some of the things there? You can do that by delegating (to your family or employees), Or you can choose to put things back on the shelf - they are not needed right now and you can buy them at another time.

Remember the key to balanced energy is your ability to make hard choices of what stays and what goes. Does it always bring you joy? No, is it essential? I hope so.
What can you learn from your answers to these questions?

Five Shorts -Why I don't Wait for 2021? Burnout, Energy and Gratitude.

Short 1 - Why I Don't Wait for 2021

A year ago, December 2019, I was full of excitement – I waited for 2020 to begin. 

20 20

This number 2020 - I had this unique feeling that nothing can go wrong; did you share the same feeling? 

And then 2020 happened; so much messiness and uncertainty and still, can I admit that 2020 was a joyful year for me? How come?

The main reason – I stopped waiting. Each time there was an obstacle in my life - I waited, I waited for nothing. Obstacles stay, the question is do you stand and wait for them to move, or do you move.

This time I took advantage of the new reality aka family at home. 

I had no hard stops, no need to pick up kids or run errands; I can do what I want and I learn how to approach my skills in a new way. I learned how to deliver virtual events in an entertaining way (thank you YouTube); I started speaking as a guest at podcasts (I love love love it), I get to network with podcast hosts worldwide.

You see, In this paradox of being in somewhat of a lockdown, I feel freer than ever.

Short 2 - Why You Shouldn’t Wait for 2021?

Why wait?

Why not now?

What is the difference between today and January 1st?

What if there was never a new year to wait for? What would be possible then?

Check my new article about why I believe procrastination is not as bad as we think. Procrastination - Why I Believe There Is Wisdom In Our Resistance And How Can We Start Listening To It?

Short 3 - Energy Bank 

This month's theme is... drum rolls... Energy.

Many of the people I coach have back to back meetings. The never-ending story. The vicious cycle of people being at home and creating more work for each other.

Here is what to do when you feel that your energy is low:

1. Step one – write down all your energy drainers and all your energy boosters:

Energy Drainers: Here you write everything that takes from your energy: people, actions, situations. For example, every time they ask for a five-minute chat, a peer drags you to a 30-45 minutes call while they complain and complain. Maybe energy drainer is when you don't have time to eat lunch or have video meetings all day long or work every day after dinner.

Energy Boosters: Here you write all the things that boost your energy: people, actions, activates. For example:

• Walk outdoors for 20 minutes

• Have phone calls instead of video calls (can you walk while you have those calls)?

• Eating lunch with your child once a week

• Listening to a podcast/audiobook

• Coach one of your team members

• Learning something new or read a book for 30 minutes

• Coffee

• Meditation

• Work in the garden

• Meet a friend once a week?

2. Step two – include energy boosters in your weekly and monthly plan. How? 

• Ask yourself how many of the energy boosters you would like to fit into your week. No judgment; One? Two? More?

• Reality-Check - Open your calendar and see how many of the boosters you CAN fit into your calendar.

• Add the boosters

• Protect your boosters

• Repeat every week, month, and year.

Short 4 - Burnout 

In my book, I talk about the Being and Doing Energies. The Doing energy is the energy of the actions. The Being energy is the energy of our mindset (thoughts, fears, aspirations, beliefs, perspectives) and emotions.
Burnout is when we experience emotional exhaustion. Most of us focus on the actions and regard the being energy. Why is that? From an early age, we learned from the adults that actions are what expected from us and what we are rewarded for ("Be a good boy and clean up your room, be a good girl and do your homework) so we focus on doing.
Burnout is when our container of emotions and thoughts is BEYOND full so we ignore what we feel and think and focus on actions or prefer to focus on actions because inside we know that touching the emotions and thoughts can be too much.
It is a journey to learn how to BE with our emotions and thoughts or to be with the emotions and thoughts of others.
During the Holiday Season when you meet with your family and friends, when it feels too much, or when you hear too many thoughts in your head - slow down and acknowledge what you feel and think, and if needed take a break and recharge.

How?

• Go on a walk/run

• Sit outside

• Work in the garden

• Listen to this 60 minutes podcast about burnout with Brene Brown while cooking

But I am the host I can’t leave them…

• So take 15 - find a quiet room like the laundry room, the garage, your bathroom, your closet, and take five to twenty minutes to breathe, meditate, read a book/poems, journaling or listening to a podcast or TED talk that can inspire you.

• If you have kids take them outside and play with them.

Check out the following two podcasts around burnout

1. Nothing Left to Give - A full podcast around burnout - Click here to check the podcast

2. Brené with Emily and Amelia Nagoski on Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle -   Click here to listen to the podcast episode

Short 5 - Gratitude 

Once a month I meet with my coach. In coaching it is the coachee's responsibility to bring the topic for the conversation –– to indicate what they want to work on. This month I was not sure about my topic. But what did show up is gratitude. Gratitude to many of my clients who show up week after week –– some for six months, some for a year. They show up with a topic, e-v-r-e-y-t-i-m-e. And even if they don't have a topic, they trust that in the coaching conversation they will always learn something new about themselves or their challenges. I am inspired by their want to grow and become their better selves - not just for themselves but also for the impact they create in building relationships with others.

Decluttering Your Life and Head Space and How it Related to the Fall

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Picture Noa Ronen

Before we moved to the US we lived in a country with two main seasons: Summer and a short Winter. This is why I enjoy living in an area with 4 seasons.

"Look how beautiful the leaves are!", I tell my kids, "look! look! at this beautiful tree, I have never seen such a bright red color in my life!", "Hey! I have to stop and take a picture of this Magnolia's flowers". The kids got used to it with the years, they will shrug and ignore daily comments about nature, sometimes they might even ask politely if I can stop repeating the same sentences every time we cross the same tree, oh well... I get them they grew up into this reality.
This is why when we moved from New York City to North Carolina which is warmer, I had no big expectations for the Fall season. But when Fall happened, it really happened. 

Now, living in a wooded area where trees are everywhere, it shifts how you look at the Fall season. Every day I drove or walked outside I have noticed that colors were changing constantly and Mother Nature invited me to keep looking with enthusiasm, to keep my eyes wide open and ask myself what Nature is going to share with me next???

Before I go back to leaves, colors, and Fall I want to share with you something about my relationship with the Fall season. Every year, when the weather is getting cooler when we can wear cute jackets and scarves, while orange is everywhere it brings joy into my life. For me, the Fall is a time of inspiration, the colors around me bring energy and creativity. But, there is also that heavy feeling that winter is almost here, the weather is going to get really cold, people will start dancing the slow dance and the brown color is going to rule everywhere.

But this year something shifted. One morning my husband was looking out of our bedroom window and called me to join him. "Look!" he said, "there is more light in our room.” He was right, behind our house there was a little forest and we both realized that the naked trees allowed the light to get access to our backyard, now we can even see the kids if they want to play in the forest. We could see.

It made me think about a different situation in our life, when people have so much clutter in their internal and external space they can't see clearly, but when they declutter their head and/or life space clutter they can see things with more clarity, there is more space to organize thoughts and emotions.  Maybe, like Winter to me, it can bring a new perspective and help see things differently.
So what are you choosing not to see in your Winter?